


Second Chances Come Your Way

by edgy_fluffball



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Barren Eve, Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Christmas in Exandria, Consequences Of Being Dead, Educational Smut Is Mentioned, First Kiss, Fix-It of Sorts, Found Family, Getting Together, Getting to Know Yourself, M/M, Protective Nott (Critical Role), Resurrection, Reunions, Sort Of First Meetings, Temporary Character Death, reconnecting, the mighty nein - Freeform, widomauk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-24 15:53:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21960502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edgy_fluffball/pseuds/edgy_fluffball
Summary: Yasha was the first to know, she always was, after all. One moment, she had been trying to fight back a group of marauders who had ambushed a lone traveller on the open road in broad daylight, the next had her cover her ears in pain, trying to shield herself from the powerful surge of cruel, brutal words hacking and cutting away on her sanity. The group of highwaymen seemed to dissolve immediately, bleeding profusely from ears, eyes and noses, screaming in pain and headless confusion, scrambling to get away, tripping over the bodies of those fallen unconscious by the screams. Still, she stood tall, Magician’s Judge lowered along with her hands once the insulting words no longer hung in the air between them.In which The Mighty Nein one after the other are approached by a stranger. Until one of them finds him first.
Relationships: Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 14
Kudos: 148





	Second Chances Come Your Way

**Author's Note:**

  * For [infinityandluck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinityandluck/gifts), [whateverdude](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whateverdude/gifts).



> Merry Critmas! I have officially begun to write Critical Role fanfictions now, and this first one is a gift for my dearest friends :) Enjoy!

-1-

Yasha was the first to know, she always was, after all. One moment, she had been trying to fight back a group of marauders who had ambushed a lone traveller on the open road in broad daylight, the next had her cover her ears in pain, trying to shield herself from the powerful surge of cruel, brutal words hacking and cutting away on her sanity.

The group of highwaymen seemed to dissolve immediately, bleeding profusely from ears, eyes and noses, screaming in pain and headless confusion, scrambling to get away, tripping over the bodies of those fallen unconscious by the screams. Still, she stood tall, Magician’s Judge lowered along with her hands once the insulting words no longer hung in the air between them.

A few of the wannabe robbers were still visible, running around like headless chicken, running around, trying to get away from what had spooked them so much, internally torn due to their mates still lying on the ground. Yasha turned one of them over with one foot and looked into his face. He was young, even under the blood that had poured out of his nose.

‘Take your friends and leave,’ she called out, cleaning her blade on the fringe of her cloak.

A few of them came closer again, eying her and the hunched over figure they had attempted to rob cautiously. They quickly helped their friends up or dragged them away by the arms and legs, leaving them alone in the middle of nowhere as if nothing had happened.

Yasha picked up a ruffled looking bag sitting on the road and dusted it off. Her ears still rung and the warmth on her neck made it very probable that she had begun to bleed as well. Still, she held the bag out for the other person who seemed small in their wide, baggy clothes, turned into themselves to try and protect their torso.

‘Here, friend,’ she tried the words out on her tongue before letting them out into the open, ‘are you hurt at all?’

The bag in her hand was lighter than she had expected, it was a backpack with a blanket strapped to the top of it and a few things inside. Judging by the sounds they made, at least a few of them were made of metal. Yasha tried to get a quick feel of the outlines but could only guess it contained a few necessities for the road.

‘Are you alright,’ she tried again when she did not receive an answer at first, ‘I will not be of much help, if you’re really injured. Can you - did they get to you?’

The figure in front of her uncurled a little and Yasha could see a little more than a wide, billowy shirt that cloaked him entirely, and a wide pair of trousers of a shiny black. As they stood, she discovered them to be a slim, emaciated Tiefling with dull, curled horns and purple, almost grey skin, likely a side effect of recent malnutrition.

Her heart gave a lowly tug, a moment in which she felt like putting her arms around them and squeezing them in a hug like she would do with a close friend. But then again, this Tiefling was only a traveller on the road, beaten up a little and probably shaken. They were not who her own imagination and still grieving heart wanted to see before her.

‘Please, let me help you,’ she offered, softly, quietly.

The Tiefling shuddered, almost as if something had jolted them into a sudden realisation. They looked around to both sides of the road and Yasha was inclined to believe that they were looking for something, then, they grabbed the backpack out of her hand and wiped a few strands of bloodied hair out of their face. There was something between their ears and shoulders, almost like a shadow, but their skin was caked in mud and dust, adding to their poor skin colour.

‘You didn’t run, like the others,’ their voice was low and husky, Yasha read the signs and looked around for her water skin.

‘I’m not one of them. I wanted to help you.’

The Tiefling accepted her water skin and drank a few hasty gulps, before pouring some water into their palm and dabbing softly at a few cuts on their face. Yasha watched, as they wandered off the road, still looking around on the ground. He bent down and picked something up out of the grass that caught the sunlight and blinded her for a moment. Yasha lifted her hand to shield her eyes, blinking against it.

‘They knocked them out of my hands before I had them out completely, I can hardly hold them; they are heavy.’

The Tiefling stepped closer, his voice nothing more than a whisper he moved to sheath two blades. Two scimitars. Yasha felt herself move, step closer, stretch out a hand for them. The moment her arm closed around their arm, they looked up at her and their eyes met.

Yasha looked into them for a long moment, overwhelmed by what she saw. Bright red and healthy, alive, more than they looked otherwise.

‘Molly?’ Her voice broke but they tattoos, hidden under mud, dust and the soft cloth of his shirt were unmistakably there, ‘Molly, is that you?’

He blinked at her, not comprehending for a moment, then, a reaction made its way over his face. He cocked his head, lifted a hand, slimmer than she remembered him ever being, and placed it gently on her cheek. The chapped lips opened, twitching with the strain of putting words out.

‘You knew me, didn’t you? Before. You were one of my friends.’

‘Yes,’ she breathed, not yet allowing herself to become emotional, ‘how do you know? Do you remember?’

‘I remember - I remember Hupperdook,’ his voice was slow, still looking for words, worn thin from usage extending over what he was used to, ‘I remembered Hupperdook. They found me wandering. Ki - Kiri helped. I left. Couldn’t remember much myself. I need to - I need to remember myself, no use in telling me. I don’t feel like myself. Don’t know who I should feel like.’

Yasha helped him back onto his feet, ‘You have been travelling on your own?’

‘I don’t seem to be very good at it,’ he worked himself into a pained grin, ‘can’t really defend myself.’

‘Would you like to travel with me for a bit?’ The question was out of her mouth before she could think about it, ‘I am travelling at the moment, by myself. I don’t talk much but I can help you. Show you how to use those blades until you can defend yourself. Get some food into you, too.’

She gathered her belongings together from where she had dropped them when she had run towards the fight and looked back at him over her shoulder, still composed enough for nothing more than a tear to slip down her cheek once she was sure he could not see her. Yasha watched as he gingerly adjusted his backpack on his shoulder and smoothed down his shirt. He drowned in it, far too big for his frame and almost hanging off his shoulders but he walked up to her with hopeful eyes. Her memories betrayed her for a moment as they deluded her into thinking about the first time she had met Molly. Back then, he had not spoken a single word but somehow, he had seemed drawn to her. She had been the one he had decided to trust and his eyes, looking up at her, had been something imprinted in his mind, unsure about his past, yet hopeful for a brighter future.

She had planned to be alone on the road for a few weeks. As much as she enjoyed the solitude and silence she found out in the wilderness but from time to time, there was nothing to be said against helping another lonely soul back on track.

-2-

Yasha was back in town and, as so often, this seemed to call for a celebration. By the time morning rolled around, most of their troupe was fast asleep on the booze. Nott had not stirred when Fjord got up, rummaged around the room they had decided to share and moved over towards Caduceus’ hunched figure. He slept almost sitting up, head and back leaning against the wall.

Fjord tapped him lightly on the shoulder, waking him up immediately. Caduceus was a miracle to them sometimes but as he blinked his eyes open, waking up without a sound, and smiled up at him, Fjord was thankful to have him close by in their group.

‘Morning,’ he grinned, ‘did you sleep well?’

Caduceus got up in a silent, fluid motion until he towered over him, ‘Good morning to you, too. Why are you up already?’

‘It’s a wonderfully clear morning, I thought I would go get some warm, fresh pastries for Jester when she wakes up later on. Would you like to accompany me on a walk? Stretch your legs a bit?’ Fjord got his coin purse out of his backpack and looked through its contents.

Caduceus nodded and got ready, quickly and silently. He manoeuvred the room without disturbing any one of their sleeping friends, piled onto each other and a few minutes later they were ready to leave, walking downstairs and out of the inn. The streets were still calm, almost deserted when they stepped onto the road. A lone old man moved past them, whistling a tune and nodding toward them in greeting.

‘This is nice,’ Caduceus said, letting out a slow, long breath, ‘I didn’t know this city could ever be so peaceful and calm.’

‘Yeah, takes me by surprise every time,’ Fjord agreed and tugged his coat closer around his shoulders.

The cold air was still present in the mornings, a last memory of the winter that had frozen them to the bone many a night, made them huddle up wherever they had to camp out in the open, due to whatever circumstances they had ended up under the stars. It had taken them some time to reacquaint themselves with proper beds and food. Some of them still struggled, Fjord had seen Nott drag her blanket off the bed and roll up on the floor the first night back, still close to Caleb but choosing what seemed to be the uncomfortable option. Caleb himself had seemed distant and a little colder. He made a mental note to look out for promising books, something to get lost in for a few hours. Caleb would run out of reading material sooner rather than later, and to keep them all sane, books better be on hand.

Caduceus followed him down the street, towards where Jester had once before found the best pastries outside of the Menagerie Coast. He fiddled with his sleeve a little, trying to remember where they would have to turn.

‘Jester loves her pastries, doesn’t she?’ He heard Caduceus ask with an audible smile in his voice.

‘She does. And since she shares with just about everybody, she’ll eat not even half of them, no matter how many we get her.’

A chuckle was the only answer he got for a moment. Fjord turned on the corner, a determined air in his step, set on his goal.

‘Other way.’

‘What?’ Fjord stopped and turned but Caduceus shrugged and opened his hands, palms up in confusion.

‘Didn’t say anything, that wasn’t you?’

‘No,’ Fjord turned back towards the road ahead of him.

‘The shop is the other way, down the left and further on. Next to the smut shop.’

Fjord turned around completely. He could see Caduceus mouthing ‘smut?’ and raise his eyebrows but for the time being, he only regretted not taking any weapons on his bakery run.

‘Who’s there? Why do you follow us?’

‘It was Yasha’s idea, to be honest. Tell you one by one, careful not to overwhelm you. Or me, for that matter,’ the voice came closer to them, achingly familiar but hurt and vulnerable.

Fjord was unable to place it. A look thrown back at Caduceus told him his companion was just as clueless about the situation.

‘I mean, my memory is still somewhat foggy but I remember the taste of those pastries well enough to know where to get them,’ he stepped out of the shadows of the alleyway, wrapped in a coat that Fjord thought to have seen on Yasha before, thin, too thin, and with longer hair than he had ever seen him.

‘M- that can’ be!’ He could not believe it. The mere thought of it made his brain ache, trying to comprehend seemed to damage his awareness of his surroundings.

‘I watched you die,’ he brought out, feeling his throat close up, ‘you - you came back?’

‘Looks like it,’ he scratched his arm, and judging by the state of his skin under the sleeve it was not the first time he had done that to ground himself. He looked past Fjord for a moment, his face distorting with confusion as he stepped up to Caduceus, ‘I don’t remember you at all.’

‘I’m afraid, I only met your friends after you had left their presence. My name is Caduceus Clay. You must be Mollymauk. I have heard a lot about you.’

‘Caduceus,’ Molly kept the name on his tongue for a moment, getting a feeling for it in a similar way to what Fjord had seen him do before, ‘a pleasure to meet you.’

His smile was a weak, pale copy of the bright, contagious smile Fjord knew of his old friend.

‘When did you come back? How? I - I have so many questions,’ Fjord tried to sort through his thoughts, attempting to find out the most important ones.

‘I don’t know when I came back, I don’t remember everything, yet. I - I don’t know whether I’ll ever remember it all. Yasha found me, helped me and actually made sure I didn’t end up dead in a ditch somewhere.’

‘That doesn’t even begin to answer my questions,’ Fjord admitted and sighed.

‘Look at you,’ Molly said softly, ‘you are trying so hard right now, aren’t you?’

‘Bastard,’ his breath sounded a little wetter than he had anticipated, Fjord stepped up to him and pulled him into a hearty hug, ‘you bastard, I’m so happy to see you back on your feet!’

‘Happy enough to let me tag along for a moment? I think I likes pastries before.’

‘You did,’ Fjord nodded, ‘will you tell Cad and me what you and Yasha have been up to? Maybe even, what your plans are now?’

If he had not known better or if he had not been talking to an old friend who had died on a road in the middle of nowhere whose grave he had seen days later, he would have said Molly displayed signs of seep, extensive shyness. With all of his memories of Mollymauk Tealeaf in his head swirling around, he seemed to struggle with the new impressions and how they juxtaposed everything he knew from before.

Molly walked at his side down the street, an almost unremarkable figure in the early morning hours. Fjord tried not to watch him as he spoke about Yasha’s plans. She had spent quite some time coming up with a way that would reintroduce him to their group without straining him too much.

‘Give him and yourself some time,’ Caduceus leaned forward, putting his hand on his shoulder, ‘this is new for both of you. He might have changed since you last saw him. I don’t know much about the dead coming back to life, and I didn’t know him when he was with you. Maybe, he needs to find out who he is, right now.’

‘I know,’ Fjord sighed, ‘I mean, I think I know that. This is confusing, I think deep down I know all this but - it’s hard.’

‘And it’s going to stay hard for a bit,’ Caduceus smiled again, ‘let’s get those pastries for Jester and your friend. At least, he knows the way. Afterwards, you will have to tell me about that smut shop he mentioned.’

For a moment, Fjord would have bet he saw Molly smile next to him.

-3-

None of them left on their own anymore, besides from Yasha. Too much had happened when they were separated to make them comfortable on their own, no matter whether they were in town or out in the open. Even with shopping runs or their usual strolls around town, they were more likely to ask one of their friends to accompany them.

Beau minded a lot when Jester suggested taking her or Yasha to her appointments at the Cobalt Soul but she would never admit to her face that it had more to do with her companion sitting somewhere on their own than her being accompanied in the first place. Jester brushed off her complaints, all but forcing her to bring someone along. She knew better than to argue with Jester, of all people.

Every now and then, however, she felt like suffocating in the same room with everybody else, Caleb sunken into one of the new books Fjord had dragged in for him, with Nott rifling through trinkets and pockets at his feet, Caduceus trying to buy something off the barkeeper to make tea and Fjord getting into heated discussions. He seemed not to care whether his opponents were patrons, guests or drunkards, sometimes.

When the air in the tavern got too stuffy and the voices too loud, she opted for other places, far from her friends all assembled in a booth, practically in each other’s laps. There was only so much Caleb she could stomach.

Beau was good enough at finding ways out of the tavern that would not leave her on her own or exposed for extensive times. Over a few weeks spent in Zadash, she had made connections beyond the Mighty Nein or the Cobalt Soul, connections she could call upon, if need be. She made use of the names and addresses she had accumulated whenever her skin started itching and she felt restless enough to punch Fjord for simply breathing too loudly.

Yasha seemed to watch her every time she snuck out, mostly pre-occupied with her belongings or whatever she spent her time with. Beau was almost sure she knew where she went when she left the group for a night but if she did, Yasha never mentioned it to anybody.

They all coped in different ways and neither Yasha nor Beau, for that matter, wanted to meddle with each other’s strong holds. It had become a habit for them to briefly talk before leaving the group for a little while, exchange some small talk that was nothing more than a cover of the weariness they sometimes felt for their group. From time to time, living together in a city without tasks or jobs to do drove them up the walls and Beau saw her decision to spend a little time away from the team as an opportunity to give everybody a breather. Talking to Yasha meant letting her know that she would disappear for a night or two without actually saying it out loud.

Sneaking past Jester and Fjord, both surprisingly worried for all of them, had proven to be a test, but not one she could not handle. The bar room was usually busy enough in the evenings, so was the street just outside and even Fjord and Jester could not tell whether she said the truth when she excused herself for the exhaustion settling in her bones, granting her an early night by herself upstairs. Once in the room she shared with Jester, it was easy enough to prep the bedding until it looked like she lay underneath the blanket, and climb out the window.

The secretive nature of her nightly endeavours made her feel only slightly guilty. Of course, Fjord and Jester only wanted the best for their group but she felt no desire to have someone accompany her as she did something she was not too sure about herself. Sex had become a distraction, after all, nothing more but at the same time, it reminded her of everything she missed out on.

‘Live life to the fullest and leave every place better than they were before,’ she reminded herself, no use in wallowing and wailing.

She swung her legs out of the window and found footage on one of the beams stabilising the building, from which she climbed down into the alley behind the inn. She made her way through the streets, towards one of the better living areas of the city where the young lady she had met at a festival a few months back, waited for her. She had sent a note through a messenger, requesting her company at her father’s house.

It was one of the places she had visited before, a great mansion amongst big houses and gardens with a romantic balcony looking over a small orchard. The gates and fences were of solid iron and kept unwanted visitors out. Almost all of them, for that matter. Beau swung over the fence in one of the darker corners and snuck through the garden leading up to the balcony.

There was a rope leading up to the railing. Beau started climbing, up towards where a shadowy figure waited for her with a charming smile and welcoming arms.

She left again in the middle of the night, climbing out the same way she had entered through, into the garden and out onto the street. There was no sign of the moon, or any light since most of the street lamps had been extinguished, the sparse light that still fell onto the road came from far apart, lonely lamps that were still lit at the street corners. She was tired but had not allowed herself more than a short nap’s rest before leaving the bed and her nightly companion behind. It had been an easily spent evening, satisfying her well enough to hum a little as she turned back towards the inn.

Despite the heavy tiredness settled deep into her bones and the cool night air making her shudder briefly, her senses were still sharp and aware. She heard the steps approach, felt the air being disturbed and moved behind her. Her reaction was ready before the attacker could even reach her.

The side of her hand connected with their throat, knocking their breath out of them. She followed the first blow with a quick succession of blows into ribs and stomach. Hearing her opponent cough and wheeze gave her almost as much pleasure as her earlier endeavours.

‘Ow! You truly pack a punch, Unpleasant One!’

She felt herself lower her fists, leaving her torso unprotected and vulnerable. A single hit, no more than a nudge with some force behind it, hit her in the shoulder, lightly, friendly. Familiar.

‘You are back?’ Her voice gut stuck somewhere in her throat, a little quieter and softer than she had ever imagined being able to sound, ‘how is that possible? What happened?’

‘I don’t know, really. Dug my way out without much recalling of what had happened, went to the one place I could remember. Kiri says Hi, by the way. She helped. I met Yasha in the Wilderness, she brought me back to Zadash.’

Beau stared at him. As little as she could see in the darkness of the street, she could still tell that he had changed. His hair was longer, his horns plainer and he wore black clothes that were too big for him. They were baggy around his shoulders and hips, held together with a worn belt. The only colour on him were his eyes and skin, both seemingly paler than she remembered him.

‘You haven’t changed at all, have you, Beauregard?’ Molly grinned at her, baring his fangs and breathing down her neck, ‘thought you’d get somewhere!’

Her punch landed, hitting him in the stomach, ‘Got further than you, dirt eater!’

Molly laughed whole-heartedly and threw his arm around her shoulders, ‘Unpleasant One, you owe me at least one drink for that! Also, I need to know everything about your hot date tonight!’

She tried to look scandalised, she really did but looking at Molly in all his grandeur, plain clothes or not, made it hard to focus on a stern face. The tiredness and exhaustion from before seemed far away.

-4-

They were back on the road, on their way to visit Kiri for Barren Eve. All of them had bought and commissioned gifts for their special Kenku friend. Half of them lay behind them already and their camp off the road had settled into a comfortable routine. Every night found them nestled into a protected spot, hardly visible from the road where passing travellers were more likely to overlook them. Even their watches had taken on a certain repetitive pattern, all passing by as uneventful as all the others.

Jester had offered to take the second watch, sitting next to the fire with her sketchbook after Beau had woken her woken her up and went to sleep herself. She had decided it was a perfect opportunity to work on her sketches and messages for the Traveller. With one pen behind her ear and another one between her lips, she looked around for something worth drawing. Caleb and Frumpkin had curled up together with Nott protectively sprawled over them with one hand close to her dagger, Fjord snored into the clear night sky, Caduceus’ breaths made his hair blow out of his face and Yasha tossed and turned a little in her bedroll.

‘Just one sketch for the Traveller,’ she told herself, tapping her pen against her lips, ‘just one teeny, tiny idea would be nice to begin with.’

She started on a quick sketch of her friends around the fire, making them all drool and snore to make it more interesting. For a moment, she considered drawing dicks on her friends’ faces but decided against it when Caleb pulled both Frumpkin and Nott in, smacked his lips in his sleep and curled up even tighter, now with a soft smile on his face.

‘Can’t do that to him,’ she sighed, ‘too cute when he sleeps. And he needs all the sleep he can get, anyways. I should probably find something else, probably.’

‘Yeah, I think you probably should.’

‘Who’s there?’ She reached for her axe, staring into the dark beyond their small fire, ‘I have to warn you, we’re armed and dangerous and I am the best watch there is!’

A few small branches cracked underneath a worn boot that stepped into the radiating light she had fed with logs and fire wood. She looked up and was met with a familiar face, gleaming eyes and a cheeky grin, covered by a finger pressed to purple lips.

Jester felt something powerful surge through her, ‘Molly!’

‘Shh, don’t wake them up. I am a dream, Jester, nothing more, at this point.’

She self the disappointment worm its way through the joy that had been so overbearing a moment before. Molly sat down next to her carefully, making sure no one else stirred around them.

Jester noticed his eyes lingering on Nott’s toothy snore for a moment longer as she pulled her arm off Caleb’s face. His sleep seemed to have shifted again, into something more agitated, his nose and forehead scrunched up in a way that Jester knew to interpret as an oncoming nightmare.

‘He is going to wake up again,’ she whispered towards Molly, concern painting her voice dark, ‘his nightmares are getting worse again.’

Molly responded with a brief nod in her direction, as if to acknowledge her, before crouching down next to their friend and placing a flat palm against his forehead. Jester watched as he murmured something she could not understand under his breath and let his thumb glide along his brows. Caleb tensed and stilled for a moment, only to relax and breathe easier the next. His face was overcome with peaceful sleep once again.

‘How - what did you do? How did you do that?’

‘Oh Jester, my dear friend, I told you,’ Molly smiled at her, baring his fangs and running his hands up his arms, ‘I am nothing but a dream, I simply gave him a better alternative to dream about. He should have warmer things in his mind than lonely, dark, rotten cells and hurtful people in his mind.’

He seemed far away for a moment, almost mournfully and Jester wanted to ask again, how he knew what Caleb dreamed about, how he had changed his dreams, if he could help her sleep, too. Her friend sat down again, still close to Caleb who had turned in his blanket, towards them, chasing the warmth of the fire, or something else entirely, Jester was not entirely sure about it.

‘Do you still know us? Do you know everything?’ The question burst out of her, it seemed to have worked itself up onto her tongue and waited until she spat it out.

‘I remember what being Mollymauk was like,’ he responded wistfully, ‘there were a lot of colours and scents, right? I don’t think I have discovered every aspect about who he was. For the time being, I am a ghost, a dream. I visit you at night and try to find out who I am now. Do you think I can find out what I’m still missing?’

‘What are you missing? I can help you, I can tell you lots of stories, you can come with us to Hupperdook, we want to visit Kiri.’

‘I know, Jester. Yasha told me before you left Zadash,’ Molly contemplated something, his eyes grew distant for a moment, ‘I’ve gotten a lot better at travelling on my own since she first found me again. She got me out of a fight with a group of cowards who played on my inability to lift my swords.’

‘Yasha?’ Her eyes found her friend over the fire, only to realise she had woken up as they had conversed and watched them out of sleep-darkened eyes.

‘You couldn’t stay away, could you?’ She whispered hoarsely from her bedroll, ‘Molly, I told you to keep a distance. It was your wish, only when you were ready.’

‘Which I’m not, I know,’ Molly answered softly, ‘Beau was a challenge, Fjord a calculated risk and C-Caduceus the Unknown. I just could not - I don’t know, I could not stay away. Somehow.’

Jester watched as Molly’s gaze flickered, back to the huddled pile of a sleeping man, goblin and fae cat. His eyes looked sad.

‘You should sleep, darling.’

Yasha shook her head, ‘What did you tell her, you are the Traveller in disguise?’

‘Please, Molly couldn’t be,’ Jester chipped in, feeling injured in her pride as a believer, ‘and I know you’re not a dream, either,’ she continued, turning towards Molly, ‘Secrets or not, you are warm and corporal. The Traveller taught me to see if somebody lies but I don’t mind.’

She squeezed his hand to further prove her point. Molly looked down into the flames of the fire. His eyes turned expressionless for a moment before turning even sadder. They mirrored something Jester found strangely familiar.

‘I’m not ready, Jester,’ he whispered, voice coated in pain and the relief to say it, ‘I can’t face the whole group. All of you together who came so far without me; all of you growing without me there to support and help you in your choices. It hurts in a way I didn’t know before, everywhere. I miss something I don’t know I ever possessed. There are memories, hopes and dreams jumbled up in my brain and I have tried to untangle them for months now, trying to find out what is real and happened, and what is wishful thinking. I need to find it out myself, otherwise, I might never really believe it.’

Jester watched him carefully, recognising her friend in every little motion, every nonchalant, yet graceful wave of his fingers. She held onto his hand in hers a little tighter, trying to assure him of her presence as he seemed to follow his own thoughts for a moment.

‘When you say you saw Beau, Fjord and Cad -?’ The question was left open, an opportunity if he wanted to take it, not begrudged if remaining without answer.

‘I could remember more things about them clearer. Fjord is still as straightforward, I guess, it’s easy to remember everything about him. Caduceus was with him but there is nothing to remember, I guess? I remembered enough about Beau to talk to her in Zadash, and pay the price for it.’

Jester saw something on his face that made her suspicious, ‘She hit you, didn’t she?’

Molly laughed, short but warm and familiar, ‘She did. Shouldn’t have tried to sneak up on her.’

‘I’m trying very hard not to tell you to come with us, right now,’ Jester sighed, ‘we still miss you terribly, Molly. All of us!’

Again, his gaze darted to the side where Nott now drooled into one sleeve of Caleb’s coat. A smile curled his lips but it was different from all the smiles Jester had seen on his lips but it was different from all the smiles she had seen on his face before. It reminded her of her mother looking at her, of the Shusters looking at each other, Kiri looking up at her. Her throat was tight all of a sudden and the urge to hug Molly and pull him into her shoulder got too big to resist.

He made a small, surprised sound on impact but settled into the embrace willingly. Feeling him with more than one hand assured Jester enough to fight back the tears that threatened to drown her.

‘I hope you feel ready to come back completely, soon,’ she sniffed, ‘there are some things that are just no fun without you.’

‘I promise, Jester, once I know, I’ll be back. I miss all of you, too. Don’t worry, I remember more and more by the day,’ he got up, stretching his limbs.

Jester got a proper look at him in the light of the fire. The shirt he wore was no use against the cold and he seemed to not be wearing a cold. She knew that winter and its temperatures had little effect on their Tiefling nature but she recalled tall too clearly how fond Molly had been of soft, comfortable things, trying to keep himself warm, despite his nature.

‘Did you found your coat? When you came back? We left it for you.’

I don’t think it was there when I crawled back into the light,’ Molly sighed, ‘it was a nice coat, wasn’t it?’

‘It was,’ Jester agreed, ‘here!’

She held out her hand, offering him a blanket off her pile, ‘Please, take it. It’ll make your skin feel all nice.’

Molly accepted it after a moment’s hesitation, wrapping it around his shoulders. He nodded towards Yasha who still watched them, and then he bent down as if on impulse, cupping Jester’s cheek. She felt his lips press a quick kiss to her forehead before retreating with a smile.

‘I’ll see you soon, Jester. I promise,’ with a last look over their camp, Molly disappeared into the shadows of the forest.

She sat silently for the remainder of her watch, Yasha went back to sleep after a while and after she tapped Fjord awake for his watch, she found herself unable to fall asleep herself. Her mind raced, trying to find out just what the new developments meant for her friends.

When she fell asleep eventually, she dreamed of many pleasant things she could no longer remember by the time she woke up but they felt magical enough to lead her to believe they had been a gift. If not for her own comfort, she was rather relieved to find Caleb up and about in the morning, a rare smile on his lips as he loaded their camp onto the cart. For once, he seemed well and truly rested.

-5-

Hupperdook with all its nooks, corners and small shops was a paradise to some. There were more gnomes in the streets in preparation for Barren Eve and everybody seemed too busy and distracted to mind one Halfling’s shenanigans. She had left the Shusters’ house early under the pretence of finding a gift for Kiri. Of course, they already had all too many gifts for one girl but any reason felt right for her to sneak out and look around until something caught her eye.

Nott had found gifts for everybody in their ragtag group, helped Jester, Beau and Yasha wrap whatever they had gotten for Kiri since no one seemed to care for the aesthetic of neatly wrapped presents and she proved herself to be the only one capable of actually making parcels look tidy. She had had some practise, after all. Over these gifts and the wrapping of them, however, she had realised that she had forgotten what should have been her number one priority for the festivities in Hupperdook, something she should have finished ages before, even before they had left Zadash because how should she have found the perfect gift for Caleb on the road? Of course, he would insist he needed no presents but in her heart, he could not let it slide. She knew Caleb deserved the world, or at least a proper Barren Eve present, if she could not take away the ghosts of his past or make him happy in another way. It was more a question of pride and principle to give him something meaningful, not as easily decided and stolen as the trinkets she had picked for her other friends. She still put thought into it, naturally, but the decisions had been easier. For Caleb’s present, she had looked through several of the oddest shops, hoping to find anything out of place, something at least magical, if not a magical book.

Her fingers itched, no longer distinguishable between the urge to steal something and the longing for a big gulp out of her flask. She entered the next shop, a rather tattered-looking one off the main street. There was dust everywhere, every single thing on the shelves seemed coated with a grey layer and she sneezed when the closing door wafted dust up into the air. So much for stealth.

She gave the old gnome behind the counter a forced smile. He blinked at her through thick glasses but Nott did not trust him enough to believe he had not seen her.

‘Just perusing,’ she sighed and ducked behind one of the shelves to get some barrier between them.

The shop seemed to have no clear pattern in what they offered to their customers. Odd trinkets and apparatuses stood next to wooden toys and useful home appliances. There were a few books perched on higher shelves in the back, she noticed, illuminated by oil lamps that would have made Caleb gasp in shock due to their closeness to the flammable treasures books tended to be in his eyes.

Nott tried to make out a few titles on the backs of some tomes but since she was a lot shorter than the shelf and the light could only be described as lacking, there was no way of telling apart vowels and consonants. She felt annoyance rise up in her, and just as she was ready to climb the shelf, she heard something shift behind her. The old gnome had left his perch behind the counter and made his way over.

‘Can I help you, young lady?’

She swallowed down her outrage at being called “young lady” and put another smile on her Halfling face, ‘Oh yes, actually. I would very much like to know the titles and contents or topics of those books. I am immensely interested in those books but I can’t reach them.’

‘Oh yes,’ the old gnome giggled, ‘I keep them up there to prevent rascals and criminals from ruining them! I have had some insolent people draw and scribble rude things in my books, so I keep them up there. Would you like me to get you the ladder?’

‘Oh please,’ Nott felt her cheeks hurt from smiling for a prolonged time but she bravely kept it on her face until the old gnome had gone again.

Caleb would never know what kind of sacrifice she made for him.

The gnome returned with a step ladder on wheels that he could push towards her easily. Nott stepped out of the way and waited for him to fasten it in front of the shelf.

‘Here you go,’ he said, ‘just let me know when you’re done.’

He turned with a last look back at her that made her squirm but apparently, he really could not see well enough to notice the slight flicker caused by her disguise, despite the thick glasses on his nose. Nott barely waited for him to return to his spot before scurrying up the ladder to get closer to the books right beneath the ceiling. She began to scan the backs of the books, reading the titles quietly to herself.

‘ _The Enigma Cosmos_ , _Transmuter’s Compendium_ , _Bloodvenom Manual_ , _Conqueror of the Emperor_ , _Soulsong_ , _Bond of the Wretched_ \- how stupid and puffed up can these books sound,’ she muttered to herself, ‘how would any normal person know they’re special?’

‘That would defeat the point of it, wouldn’t it?’

Nott felt her feet slip, she let out a squeak and fell towards the ground. She would have to leave the shop without a closer look at the books. All because one idiot had found it funny to make her jump whilst she was still perched on a damned ladder, up there, on the same level as the top shelf.

She did not expect to be caught and yet, two arms had wrapped around her shoulders and knees, carrying her in a way that made her feel vulnerable. A warm chuckle filled the air around her ears.

‘Nott the Brave, no comma, scaling ladders to look at books. You have changed. Or am I just not used to seeing you in this form?’

She grabbed something off a shelf that felt metallic and sharp and pointed it at him, ‘Who are you? What do you want with me - and why are you wearing that face? Are you trying to scare me?’

‘Oh, this is just about how I pictured meeting you again.’

‘What? But you’re dead, get away from me - are you a zombie? Are you after my brains?’

‘What? Come on, Nott, if I were a zombie, you would be the last person I would come after for brains, of all things!’

Nott blinked at him, feeling her jaw hit the floor. He still looked at her, expectantly, eyebrows raised, awaiting the penny to drop.

‘You’re real,’ she squeaked, eventually, finding her voice in the back of her throat, ‘you’re here! In Hupperdook?’

‘Yes,’ Molly answered, stretching it out a little.

Nott jumped off his arms and took what she hoped was a threatening stance, crossing her arms and tapping her foot, ‘You are back, just as we arrive for Barren Eve and sneak up on me in a shop you wouldn’t have set foot in, in the past? What’s your deal, Mollymauk, what are you really after?’

Molly cleared his throat, trying to get out words before closing his mouth again and thinking for a moment, ‘Actually, I was trying to find out whether you needed help. I figured the book would be a present for Caleb?’

‘Yes, it would be, if you hadn’t spooked me, idiot!’

‘Let me make it up to you?’

‘How?’

Molly stretched to his tip-toed and pulled down one of the tomes, ‘We don’t need the ladder. I get them down, you look through them and let me know whether we need more. Does that seem reasonable?’

‘Reasonable enough,’ Nott admitted, ‘make yourself useful, then.’

Molly handed her the first tome, the romantic story of Tails and Claws. Judging by the look on his face, he was fully aware it was very unlikely to contain anything remotely interesting to her. Nott still thumbed through the thick pages.

It took them the better part of an hour to skim through all the books on the shelf. Nott knew a few things about magic but probably not enough to identify books with magic potential. A few of them seemed promising, she scanned the words on the pages, some of them in languages she did not understand.

‘Anything promising?’ Molly climbed off the ladder, ‘Because this is the last one. Looks like an afternoon’s family fun.’

‘ _The Lustful Tome_ ,’ Nott read out loud, ‘do you think - do you think it is what it sounds like?’

Molly shrugged and pointed at the cover, ‘It certainly looks like it. That’s a yearning couple I spot on there. Do you think it’s magical, though?’

Nott opened the book and turned a few pages. She skimmed a few pages before discovering what she had hoped for: loose notes and bits of paper, all scribbled on in tiny letters.

‘It’s amazing what you find, once you know where to look for the unexpected. Caleb really opened my eyes in that regard,’ Nott smoothed down the pages and closed the book carefully, ‘he needs more books, anyway.’

‘Do you want to actually purchase them or do you need me to cause a diversion?’

Molly returned a few books to the shelf whilst Nott piled together three of the tomes she had deemed at the very least interesting. She watched him out of the brown eyes her Halfling disguise had.

‘I’ll buy them. Caleb deserves an honest Barren Eve present,’ she still stuffed a few glittering necklaces into her pocket, ‘you can disappear again, by the way. You’ve been useful for once, don’t make a habit of it.’

‘Nott -‘ He crouched down in front of her, ‘Nott, I would like to come back to the group sometime soon. I’ve told everybody else, I remember almost everything from before, and I have made new memories. I miss you guys, even Beau and her prickly self.’

‘You died, Tealeaf,’ Nott scooped up the books, ‘I don’t know what you expect; we all hurt a lot after you were gone. Your absence was deafening.’

‘I know. I’m -‘

‘Caleb stopped eating properly for a long time.’

‘That’s -‘

‘He was practically in mourning. Your death broke him!’

‘I’m - I’m -‘

‘Not your fault, I know, we all do. But if you’re coming back, who’ll assure me it’s not going to break him again? He might not be able to go through it again!’

‘Nott, I’m - I’m sorry. I know you feel strongly about Caleb, trust me, so do I. There is no promise I can give you to prove my honest intentions, you will have to take my word for it.’

‘You changed. Will it be different?’

‘I’m still me, Nott. Little different on the eyes but still me. I still care about Caleb just as much as you.’

She pulled up her nose, ‘Don’t ever break my boy’s heart again. I will personally find and kill you, if you do. I know where to aim, Tealeaf!’

They progressed back to the front of the shop where Nott paid actual money for the books and swiped a few more sparkling pieces of jewellery. Molly’s face was back to being a stern mask. He seemed far away and in thoughts, following her into the street as if in a dream.

‘Molly,’ she grabbed his wrist when they reached the first street corner, ‘Happy Barren Eve.’

She shoved the jewellery she had stolen into his hands, ‘Your horns look naked.’

Molly stared down at her, then to the tangled chains and jewels in his hand that seemed to be some kind of ear or hair pieces. Nott saw his gaze flicker and dart around, unsure where to look. Then, he knelt down in the snow in front of her, equalling them in height.

‘Would you mind,’ he asked softly, avoiding her eyes.

She needed a moment to make the connection between his words and the outstretched hand between them. The chains jingled as she lifted them up gingerly, untangling them with adept fingers before stepping closer to him.

As she attached the clamps and chains to his ears and horns, she realised that Molly had closed his eyes and held his breath. It seemed to be a weighty moment, she thought, at least to her. The new Molly was careful, a little guarded in a way she had not known him to be. He was quieter, too, despite the mischief in his eyes, as if he was still not sure what to do and who to be.

She could not imagine having to deal with what he had but she got what it felt like to have memories in her head, memories that seemed real but did not fit her situation. In that moment, she felt like she returned some of his old self to him and every dangling, jingling bit of jewellery woven into his hair seemed to attest to that. A single long exhale ghosted over her skin as Molly started to breathe again, still not opening his eyes and holding perfectly still underneath her hands but there, real and genuine in the way he let her do her best for him.

She closed a last clasp around his horn and regarded her work with favour. Pride filled her for a moment when Molly got up, found his reflection in a nearby shop window and began to smile. It filled out his entire face, baring fangs and dimples, making his eyes shine, and gently moved the new decorations in his hair and around his horns.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered, ‘thank you, Nott. I cannot begin to describe what this feels like, it - it just feels -‘

‘Right,’ she completed with a small nod, ‘it feels right for you to come back and return to us.’

+1

The Shuster kids and Kiri had decorated their home for Barren Eve, with candles and garlands, paper stars, cut-out snowflakes and fir sprigs above the door frames. The Mighty Nein had joined them in the morning to hand over the presents to the children and wish Gilda and Wallace happy holidays and good fortunes in the coming year. It had then been Jester’s idea to take the children down to the ice rink near the _Blushing Tankard_.

‘Just in case you want a few moments to prepare a few more things,’ she explained to the Shusters, ‘we’ll keep them distracted for a while.’

‘Don’t stay out too long,’ Kiri said in Gilda’s voice, flapping her feathery arms excitedly.

‘Yes, Kiri,’ Fjord agreed, ‘are we really doing this?’

They did. Gilda and Wallace seemed in need of a little time on their own to finish up in the shop and around the house. Gail wrapped her siblings in woollen hats and scarfs and a few minutes later, they were on their way.

The air around Hupperdook had been frosty for days and snowfall seemed inevitable. The children ran ahead, accompanied by Jester who seemed just as excited as them and slipped, rather than walked towards the skating rink they had discovered on their first day back. Behind them, Beau, Nott, Yasha and Fjord discussed their skating experiences and Caduceus began to contemplate whether he should attempt the adventure.

Caleb had taken a position in the back of the group, Frumpkin wrapped tighter around his neck than ever before. Between the cold and memories coming back to haunt him every year, the presence of his cat calmed him a little.

It felt unnatural for him to be outside on Barren Eve, together with people who seemed to enjoy themselves and the company around them. The few things he remembered of the celebrations in Blumenthal seemed too far away to recall them correctly, especially since he did not know how reliable his memories were. The shadowy images he could recall were destined to ruin the festive fun for him.

And yet.

Hupperdook smelled a lot like Blumenthal in the winter. Snow, spices steeped in hot alcohol and warm biscuits, directly out of the oven, decorating the whole house and peeking through the keyhole of the locked living room to catch a glimpse of the presents he would get. It had been one of the bigger surprises to find out that most of his friends, Caduceus and Nott excluded, handed over the presents in the morning, rather than the evening as he had been used to. He still struggled to understand why it should happen in broad daylight when the point of the holiday was to celebrate the long night.

Jester skated by with Kiri and Leyla in tow, they waved at him and screamed something at him. Caleb nodded along, there would be no point in telling her that he could not understand her. He watched as Fjord and Nott drifted by, the little goblin dragging the half-orc along. When and where she had learned to skate remained a mystery to Caleb and seeing her laugh and help someone along who was comically taller than her, made him crack up for a moment.

When he had been about as tall as Nott, his parents had taken him to the Winter Market. Between mulled juice and candied almonds, he had been busy dragging his parents to the different stalls for presents and games. He remembered the bards singing winter songs and clerics blessing families and houses for the new year. His parents had had one bless him. Within a year, he had been accepted into the academy.

There had been no Barren Eve under the stern eyes of Trent Ikithon. Whatever Astrid and Eodwulf tried to come up with did not resemble the Winter Markets in the slightest. It had been bleak days and he remembered missing the warm candle light in the dark nights, missed almost breaking off his teeth on an almond, even missed the crowds that were attracted by the promise of booze and fatty, hot meat, roasted over coals.

It had been the same, every year. The same stalls in the same place, the same people praising their produce. Knowing everything and everyone had been part of the tradition.

For the longest time, Caleb had thought he had lost Barren Eve and all its meanings and traditions when he had killed his parents and watched his childhood home burn to the ground. At the asylum, there had been no telling what season, month or day it was and no one seemed interested in the slightest about celebrating a holiday. Looking back, he liked to believe there had been a few days with nicer food, but deep down, he was sure there had been no difference or recognition of special days. He had hummed songs to himself, the old songs remembered his mother teaching him. He had sung them whenever he felt like it and somehow, that had made it Barren Eve for him.

These memories were just as present as the ones out of his childhood, envisioned in his mind, recalled without fail or the excuse of time fogging up his ability to remember. He still saw his mother’s smile under the warm shine of the candles on the wooden ornaments and decorations. He remembered sitting down with his father to carve those ornaments and the candle arches in the windows. It had been about pushing back the darkness and defeating the evil spirits lurking there. The people in the Zemni Fields knew their demons and threats well enough, Caleb was still inclined to believe at least half of the stories he had been told as a child. Maybe, he still was convinced dark demons were running free and tried to kidnap ill-behaved children and adults.

For some time after leaving the asylum, he had not known what day or year it was. It had taken some awkward questioning to find out he had lost eleven years of his life, and that is was the last week before Barren Eve.

He had spent this first Barren Eve after escaping the asylum out on the road, running from Rexxentrum trying to disappear before someone told Trent about his escape. He had still worn the academy robes, the ones they had put him in when he entered the asylum, so he had stolen a coat from a cart on the road. The actual Barren Eve was the first time he spoke to other people after leaving the country that had been his home. Dirt and mud had made his robes indistinguishable, his shoes were worn through and he felt sticky and smelly. Still, nothing could have been better to hide him, he told himself.

A travelling family had invited him to join them and fed him something warm. Caleb had listened to their story of how they had lost the oldest son to criminals on the road from the North, from where they hailed. They had given him his clothes and told him to keep them. He had thanked them in few words, not trusting his voice to express himself, fearing he might spill everything he had done, every crime he committed, the guilt he carried with himself.

He left them early in the morning, early enough to sneak away whilst they slept. It had taken him a long time until he felt comfortable stringing together sentences again. His voice, once one of his greatest assets, a way to mould people to his will and get them to do and accept certain things, now appeared to have turned into something he feared.

Words, charisma, charm. They all shaped and influenced people when he used them and he did not want to be part of it. Ever again.

‘Caleb, look!’

He pulled himself out of his dark thoughts, hearing his name despite the shudder that made him pull his coat tighter around his shoulders, ‘Ja, Jester, ich schau euch schon zu. Was ist los?’

He was met with a rather confused look from Jester who soared past him on one blade, the other one lifted above her head. She seemed to lose a part of the glee in her eyes the moment he said something and, for a moment, he wondered why.

‘Common, please,’ Jester yelled back a second later, composure regained already.

‘I am watching,’ Caleb responded, cringing at the realisation just how deep and far he had allowed himself to slip, ‘I’m looking. You’re doing great!’

A sharp scratching sound made his head turn, Kiri had braked hard at the edge of the rink and looked up at him. Her bright, dark eyes grazed over him with a wise expression, wise beyond her years.

‘Are you alright, Kiri? Do you need a break?’

‘Yes, I am good, thank you,’ she said with a mix of Shuster voices.

He cleared his throat. The Shuster kids joined Kiri and asked her what she was doing but she kept staring at him, a curious sparkle in her eyes. Caleb began to feel his skin itch.

‘He is sad, Kiri,’ she said in Gilda’s soft voice, ‘it happens. We can try and cheer him up.’

‘Thank you, Kiri. I’m fine, really. Are you having fun?’

Jude Shuster cocked his head, ‘Kiri, I think he’s trying to avoid the subject.’

‘I think you’re right but that’s none of our business,’ Austin agreed, ‘I’m sorry, Mr Widogast, they are just curious.’

‘It’s alright,’ Caleb dismissed his worried attempt to usher them away, ‘I was absorbed in my own thoughts, Kiri, nothing more. Don’t you want to skate a little more before we go back home?’

Kiri chirped and ruffled her feathers. She seemed to think about something for a moment, beak opened a little, emitting soft cooing sounds from it.

‘Mr Caleb is a very special person. He does not talk about his feelings. I don’t know. He is a puzzle, if I remember correctly. There were many things that remained undone, words we did not speak. Mr Caleb deserves the world.’

He spun around on his heels. Caleb felt his lungs tighten without any air left in them. His eyes frantically searched their surroundings but all he saw were gnomes and humans, dull colours and simple clothes.

‘Mr Caleb?’ Austin got his attention back, ‘Mr Caleb, are you really alright? Do you need to sit down for a moment, you look a little pale.’

The gnome teen grabbed his hand and led him to a small wooden bench put up for the skaters to put on or take off their the skates. Caleb doubled over and put his face in his hands.

‘Kiri - I’m sorry if I scared all of you. I didn’t expect to hear his voice. I wasn’t aware he ever said anything like -‘

Kiri stepped up to him, nuzzling her head against him, ‘My head isn’t empty, this time. I remember some things.’

‘What?’

‘Mr Tealeaf, you can stay with us for a while. Kiri, you’ll share a room with Leyla, yes? Good girl,’ Wallace’s voice said into his elbow.

‘Kiri -‘

‘I need to remember before I can face him again,’ Kiri placed a feathery hand on his cheek before taking a step back, ‘Welcome to the Mighty Nein!’

Caleb stared at her. He had not heard the voice in years. Somehow, Kiri had decided to cross all her Molly-mimicked words out of her vocabulary when they returned to Hupperdook for the first time without him. Standing in front of him at the edge of the ice rink, she seemed to have decided to almost exclusively speak in his voice, looking at him intently, as if she was waiting for a reaction from him. It came to him a whole moment later as he felt the air being knocked out of his chest again.

‘He’s back, Kiri? Please tell me, if it’s true, is he back?’

Kiri took his hand in hers and nodded. Caleb felt himself stand up, throw Austin an assuring glance and had just about lifted a foot of the ground when he remembered something crucial missing from the information given to him. He turned back to the Shuster kids and his friends who had left the ice rink and looked at him with inquiring looks.

‘Kiri - do you know where I can find him?’ He lowered himself a little to look at her eye to eye.

Kiri turned around, seemingly seeking someone’s approval. Caleb could not muster up the patience to find out what exactly she was looking for. Instead, he kept his eyes on their little friend.

‘Kiri?’ Jester’s voice made it through the fog that seemed to fill his ears, ‘do you want to -‘

‘I rented a small room above the bookstore. Kiri can come visit me whenever she likes.’

He gulped down what he wanted to say but managed to ask, ‘Do you think - would he want me to come by?’

Kiri flapped her arms gleefully, ‘Go fuck yourself!’

Caleb stared at her for a moment. Then, he pressed a quick kiss to her forehead, pushed himself back up on his feet and ran off. Before he disappeared out of earshot, he could hear Fjord ask, ‘What did you tell him?’ and Kiri’s response, ‘Take good care of them!’

He was not fit enough to run the entire distance. After rounding a few corners along the gently rising streets, he needed to stop and gasp for air. It was at this point that he heard Nott’s voice in his head.

‘Are you alright, Caleb? You left in quite a hurry. You can reply to this message.’

‘Ja, ja, I’m fine. Listen, Nott. I’ll be back soon. Don’t - don’t tell the others but I think Kiri told me Molly’s … he’s back. I just need to be certain.’

‘Oh Caleb,’ Nott’s voice sounded soft when she answered, ‘go on then. We’ll await you later. Both of you.’

For a moment, his brain wanted to contemplate what he had set out to do, pushed himself on the wall he had leaned on for support as his lungs demanded a pause to stop hurting. He needed to keep moving, there would be more time to think about what Nott had said.

He knew Hupperdook well enough to know where he needed to go to find the bookstore. It was the one he had once pressed his nose up against during their first visit to the town, he was sure there were more bookstores in Hupperdook but where else could he have meant?

Caleb entered the shop, carefully avoiding to look around, he could not risk getting side-tracked, not during this crucial moment. There was a gnome behind the counter. She looked at him expectantly, opening her mouth, maybe to ask what she could do to be of service, maybe to greet him on this Barren Eve, minutes before the shop was bound to close up. Maybe she wondered whose present he had forgotten to buy in time.

He cut her off before she could utter a single word, ‘Season’s greetings, Madam. This is a rather odd and maybe random question, especially in a town like this, but you wouldn’t happen to know whether there is a Tiefling living in the flat above your shop?’

She looked up at him, over the rim of her glasses. He found that she was younger than he had thought at first glance. Her eyes betrayed her attempts to seem older. Something defensive flickered over her face and Caleb saw all his hopes go down the drain, already.

‘Yes, I am his landlady, and his friend. What do you want from him?’

Caleb felt himself breathe a little freer, ‘Madam, excuse me, I must have forgotten my manners. My name is Caleb Widogast, and if that Tiefling is the one I’m looking for, then I’m an old friend of his.’

The moment he said his name, the gnome women perked up, ‘Caleb? Caleb Widogast the wizard? Why didn’t you lead with that? My name is Nira. He talks about you, sometimes, you know? There are stairs up to the flat, he should be home, didn’t see him leave, yet. Although, he mentioned planning to spend Barren Eve away from home.’

‘Well, maybe I can catch him before he leaves,’ Caleb turned around towards where she had pointed when mentioning the stairs, ‘thank you and good fortunes!’

‘And to you, Caleb Widogast!’

He scaled the stairs before further thinking about it. Once there were no more steps to climb, however, he came to a halt and his mind began spinning again.

He had reached a point at which he was no longer sure he was supposed to be there. If he really was back, any form of him, if he had talked to Kiri – still, what security did he have, he had followed something Kiri had told him but what, if he had not intended to ever contact them again? The last time, joining their new group had led to his death on the open road. Even, if he remembered, would he still be the same Caleb had met? Was he the same flamboyant, unapologetic Tiefling who appreciated chaos as much as true happiness?

Maybe he should leave him be. He had clearly made a life for himself, probably found a job, some work, maybe even honest one. Caleb tried to imagine the one he had known as a shop clerk or an accountant but found that it seemed impossible to him.

Caleb stood at the top of the stairs, pondering the options before him. After all the time spent researching the possibilities of reversing time, changing reality and the past, and reliving what had been, he found it hard to take the next step. He had hidden it all so carefully, even from Nott. He had tried his best to not let the numbing darkness take him entirely but found it comfortable enough to rely on it for certain things. Deep down, everything he had done and the pain he had caused, still reminded him that he had no right to something as bright and happy as his friends but the choice had not been his. The Mighty Nein were hard to shake off and he had all but resigned, accepted his fate and that they actually cared for him, and that he would do whatever was in his power to make their happiness a priority.

In this special case, however, he was no longer sure his presence was of any value.

Caleb Widogast stood at the top of a set of stairs and dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands. He had no right to impose on somebody who he could no longer presume to know. His new life could be in a very different place. Maybe, he had even found someone deserving of his love.

He had locked away all the moments when he had wished to be that person, the one to be looked at with love and adoration, a long time ago. It had been the only way not to succumb to the dark and coldness of the grief that had threatened to tear his heart apart. Now, they were nothing but a reminder that he had let them down, over and over and over again.

Caleb exhaled slowly. He had to do the right thing, make the reasonable decision. This was not about himself and the selfish betrayal of his heart wishing for warmth. The euphoria he had felt when Kiri had told him had stepped to the side and made room for reason to take over.

He turned back around and began to descend the stairs.

He had taken all of three steps, when the door opened behind him. Caleb, despite all resolutions and rational decisions, turned around.

He looked well. The thought crossed Caleb’s mind before he could prevent it. There was some meat on his bones, sign enough that he had eaten sufficiently. It soothed him to know that he had not starved. His clothes were plainer than he had ever seen him wear, maybe he had to get new ones because of their state after being in the ground for some time, maybe a conscious decision – Caleb tried not to think about it or the fact that tight leather pants and wide shirts were a good look on him. There was some jewellery on his horns, he noticed, by far not as much as he was used to seeing him with, and most of it seemed not to have been made for horns in the first place but it made it easier to imagine he saw an old friend in front of himself.

His hair was longer, he noticed, but so was his, and he had a coat or cloak over his arm, carrying it almost like something he was not yet sure about. Behind him, his tail swished through the air, wrapped around the door handle and pulled the door shut.

The sound of the lock snapping into place made both of them jump.

‘Molly,’ he whispered, still avoiding to look him in the eyes, afraid of what he would find there.

At the same time, Molly said, ‘Caleb.’

It was easy not to look at him from his position on the stairs. If he kept his head still and did not look up, all he saw was his midriff. Caleb ignored the warmth spreading in his stomach, trying to think of an excuse. For the second time in one day, his voice betrayed him, words appeared in his mind but avoided getting caught to be spoken.

The silence between them grew.

Then, a floor board creaked as Mollymauk shifted on his feet, ‘I’m so sorry, Caleb. I didn’t - I couldn’t - I did not dare, just in case you did not want to ever see me again. The others were - they said - you -‘

Molly’s voice broke off mid-sentence. It was surprising enough to hear him fumble for words that Caleb looked up, finally meeting his eyes.

What he saw almost knocked the air out of his lungs and had him grip the railing tighter to keep him from keeling over on the stairs. Caleb was familiar with guilt, his own was crippling enough and was bound to bleed into his posture or his gaze. He had not expected to see the same expression in Molly’s eyes.

Molly came closer, careful setting one foot in front of the other, as if trying not to spook him and as Caleb still fought his flight instinct, he sat down at the top of the stairs, pulling on his clothes a bit to prevent them from creasing. Caleb followed him with his eyes but remained standing, waiting.

Eventually, Molly began to speak again, fidgeting with his fingers, ‘I didn’t dare to come and see you. You were going to be the hardest to face, after everything. The others were easy in comparison, more or less. I’m still not sure just how close Nott was to murdering me. It was a hint of shared laughter and easier times that tinted Molly’s words. At the same time, Caleb realised something else converged in his voice, wrapped neatly in a little humour.

‘You’ve been to see the others?’ he managed to ask after a few failed attempts to produce words.

‘Yasha found me, that was no effort of my own, to be honest. She was the first I remembered so I tagged along for some time after leaving Hupperdook, and Kiri who had first helped me. The Shusters found me wandering in the streets. I’ve followed the group for quite a while, talking to one at a time. On the road, in Zadash, here - I only saw Nott a couple of days ago. I know, I should have come to see you earlier, the moment I remembered you first, but I wanted to be sure I remembered all the right things, not just dreams and fantasies…’

‘You never know with a circus man, eh,’ Caleb tried to make it sound light and humorous but heard himself fail once again.

Molly nodded, casting down his eyes, ‘I remembered you when I woke up but it seemed too good, too warm to be real.’

‘We had our moments,’ Caleb agreed softly. He let his gaze wander a little, knowing that Molly was momentarily distracted.

He still knew every cut on his skin, every scar and mark on his neck that spoke of adventures had and battled fought. He knew where they dipped under the seam of his clothes and where they were fully visible. He knew the ones Molly had gained when he was one of them and which he had had before. He still knew them.

Some of the marks were new to him, not there in his mind. The realisation hit him out of the blue, hitting him like a punch to his stomach. This was a mere illusion, a dream. Molly, the Molly he had known, still lay in a roadside grave, waiting for the Moonweaver or the Platinum Dragon or one of the other gods and deities on his coat to have mercy on him.

‘You’re not real,’ he choked out, hardly more than a whisper, still careful not to startle him, ‘no, you’re not even here.’

For a moment, he looked hurt. Then, he sighed, resignation flooding into his eyes.

‘Of course. I didn’t believe you would see me and hug me the way Jester did. You wouldn’t ask the questions Beau and Fjord asked. You wouldn’t try and hide your tears like Yasha, and you certainly wouldn’t threaten to kill me the moment you saw me again, of course not. No, Caleb Widogast, you would be the one to go about it with rational thinking and logic. I didn’t remember the last time I came back, why should I now? Why should I seek out everyone except you, why should I stand in front of you with no words to convince you of the contrary?’ He stopped speaking for a moment, drawing in a shaky breath to say something, brokenly, as if he had not intended to say it, ‘Because, after all, I prove to be a coward when it comes to you.’

Caleb felt the pain resonate in his chest. He looked at Molly, uncharacteristically quiet and deep in thought - but maybe that was him now? There was only so much he could get out of looks and images, he decided, and stretched out one hand, determined to investigate what his heart wanted to believe and his eyes called trickery.

The skin was warm under his fingers, and the scars were raised against them, not more than bumps as he let his hands wander. Molly held his breath, shuddering under the touch, looking up at him with pleading eyes, almost, as if he needed Caleb to tell him he was there, he was real, he was alive, to believe it himself.

‘Please, Molly,’ he said, voice not more than a whisper, ‘please don’t stop breathing, otherwise I’ll believe it was all a dream and you an apparition before a feverous mind.’

Molly blinked at him and drew in a breath, eyes locked with his, chest rising under Caleb’s fingers, spread over the width of skin and bones once pierced by unspeakable terror. It was a breath defying all logic and reason, a single sign that Caleb could not explain away; it was proof enough for him.

He had not hugged anyone in such pure desperation and longing in a long time. If it surprised Molly, he did not show it, instead, he weaved his fingers into his hair and held him as Caleb pressed his face into his shoulder, finally allowing himself to let go of the tension in his muscles that had kept him upright.

All doubt dissipated the moment he smelled him. Despite the plain clothes, Molly still smelled of spicy, smoked wood, flowery scents and a little incense, and it opened up more memories Caleb had bottled up and stowed away.

Sobs began to shake him and he was not sure whether they were his but the hot tears that soaked into Molly’s shirt were, and he let them flow freely, wash away all the times he had forbidden himself to think about what could have been. He held him in his arms as he cried, held and comforted him as he wanted to scream out his relief.

Molly’s hands came up to hold him at arm’s length, dipping forward on a kiss to his forehead, mirroring a situation that seemed far enough away to be nothing than a faint memory, if it ever happened. It took Caleb’s breath away and sent a shiver down his spine. He found himself staring at the lips that had touched him softly a mere moment before moving, as Molly spoke again.

‘So, I did not just dream I did that?’

‘You did not. That happened,’ Caleb answered, his mouth making up sentences that he did not know how to consciously form.

‘And this?’ Molly lifted one of his hands that still held onto Caleb’s, intertwining their fingers, ‘Did this ever happen before?’

Caleb could only shake his head, unable to speak for a moment, as his gaze moved from Molly’s lips to their hands and onwards to Molly’s eyes. They seemed to melt, fire and fondness making them burn and sparkle as his expression changed into a soft smile.

‘Then I guess,’ Molly pulled him closer to himself again, guiding him with one hand, ‘this, too, was not something we did on a regular basis?’

His smile was blinding, a beacon leading him on into his space. A hint of fangs beyond the full lips made Caleb’s mouth dry out but in his eyes, darkening a little as he neared, he saw something that made him calm down at the same time. There, in pupil less red eyes, glinted all the reassurance he needed. Mischief, self-confidence and childlike cheekiness, more than anything what he remembered about Mollymauk, had pushed aside the insecurity their surprising reunion seemed to have prompted in him a little earlier.

Caleb felt himself being dragged even closer, felt the heat radiating off Molly’s skin but instead of shrinking back, he felt himself wanting to try and curl up against it. Before thinking about it, their lips met with a soft noise from both of them, a hoarse, short gasp, caught between them, akin to relief as they melted against each other. Arms came back up to press the other closer, leave no space between them.

When they pulled back, both slightly out of breath and - Caleb was sure in his case at least - with red cheeks, he chased the full taste of Molly for as long as possible as he tried to form a thought in his dazed, overwhelmed brain that still attempted to process what had happened, and preserved it for eternity, committing it to memory. He found himself touching soft fingertips to his lips.

‘No, Molly,’ he said softly, ‘that was always just in my dreams.’

Molly gasped before stretching up for another kiss against Caleb’s lips. They remained in their position, one at the top of the stairs, the other crouching in front of him, a few steps down, arms wrapped around the other, not willing to let him go for even a second.

‘You know,’ Molly stroked the back of his hand with a thumb, the other caressing his head, flat against his cheek, ‘I was on my way out.’

‘Nira mentioned it. Am I keeping you away from where you should be celebrating Barren Eve?’

‘Oh Caleb, my sweet, lovely Caleb. Where else should I celebrate Barren Eve but in your arms, now that you found me?’

Caleb felt a kiss being pressed to his hair, ‘You could spent it with friends.’

‘What do you think the Mighty Nein are to me, hm? I was almost sure I was going to square up tonight, tell you with everybody there at the Shusters'. Maybe, their presence would have kept me from chickening out, maybe, they could have assured you I was really there.’

‘Instead, I turned up here,’ Caleb finished quietly, stunned by the realisation, ‘I found you myself, all because of Kiri!’

‘Oh, is that who I have to thank for the shock of my life as I was ready to leave my humble home, my stomach all in knots?’ He laughed, standing up and pulling Caleb to his feet in the process, ‘well, we should let her know that she was successful in her meddling, don’t you think?’

He turned around with a quick peck to Caleb’s lips before making his way down the stairs gracefully. The door opened and he stepped into the lively, colourfully decorated street. Caleb smiled once he followed eventually, having shaken off the momentary paralysis, caused by the sudden, snatched kiss. It felt like something he would have to get used to, he thought as he stepped back out into Hupperdook.

The early darkness of the cold season had settled over the mountains but the colourful lights and garlands along the street made it easy to see. Molly waited for him, now wrapped into the coat. He still looked different than what Caleb remembered but he knew they would have more time to find out who he was now.

As they walked down the snowy streets towards the Shusters' house, he felt warm fingers intertwine his, he looked up and met Molly’s eyes again. They stopped in the middle of the street, underneath a string of lights that hung from one street lamp post to the next and Molly smiled at him just as brightly before Caleb closed the gap between them with small push into his side.

Maybe, he thought as he tasted the warmth of Molly’s mouth in his again, he deserved a little happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> Say Hello on my [Critical Role blog](https://calebs-coat-collar.tumblr.com/)!


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